Mama’s got you, baby girl.
I will hold you in you close, and closer still.
We are going to make it… together.
One day at a time.
Life looks nothing like I expected it to. At all. It makes me want to run and hide, and kick and scream.
But, I can’t. I won’t. Because you need me, just like I need you.
The way you cradle my face with your two little hands and pull me in close as if to say “see me, mama. Don’t lose perspective.”
Sometimes I pull away far too quickly thinking unloading the dishwasher is more important than staring into your gorgeous sparkling blue almond-shaped eyes.
“Don’t miss this.” Your facial expression says it all. Yet, I look around in a state of panic because life is uncontrollable and has been for months on end and I never imagined it feeling this way. I feel it in waves, causing the high rise of inner anxiety to surface its ugly head usually undetected until I see my nervous energy surging out through my rapid flurry around the house or the shortness in my attitude towards my loved ones.
My body aches for sleep. Exhausted from the months of endless chaos with the added layer of insomnia. My mind unable to quiet. I lay there replaying the events of the day, worried I am forgetting something, not doing everything I should be, or am I even doing enough.
Your face flashes into my mind, did I hug you enough today? Did I tell you how much I love you? Did I truly comfort you through your tears and frustration or celebrate your accomplishments of the day?
I wish more than ever I could sit you on my lap and look into your eyes and tell you it’s going to be alright. Deep down I know it’s true. Yet for some reason, I still find myself giving into the what ifs.
This season is dragging on, my nerves getting the best of me time and time again. And I wonder, will this be the memory that you carry with you for years to come?
“Life was great, until it wasn’t. Until the weight of the world unraveled my mother. When all I needed was her comfort, her attention.”
Who am I to think I can solve the problems of this world with the snap of a finger!? Acceptance is hard but a necessary part of the healing process.
Acceptance doesn’t erase the hard or change the circumstances, I know this to be true. Somehow it helps being able to admit that I am only a human.
This life is full of ups and downs and twists and turns. Threatening to bring life abruptly to a halt. And I feel under the weight of it all. But there, I know, I will not remain. I will continue to get up. I will show up for you, Bernadette.
Oh sweet daughter of mine, lest I forget these grueling times and how they have changed me for the better. My heart only wishes to take the sadness away. But God only knows how much this mama needed this time, to remind me to slow down, to look up, to cuddle you longer and bring you in closer and remember this too, shall pass.