Sitting at my kitchen, the gentle hum of the dishwasher playing in the background, I am lost in a sea of thoughts.
The most immediate, do I get up and wash the rest of the dishes in the sink? Should I mop the kitchen floors that have been neglected this past week? Perhaps I should organize the art supplies in the garage I have been meaning to get to for the past 6 months now!
My mind then drifts to the weeks upcoming schedule. It’s only Tuesday. This week it’s my only morning at home while all three girls are in school. I don’t want to let it waste away by doing meaningless tasks that could be done with the girls when they are home or after I put them to bed tonight. But I also feel so much more at ease when those things are complete, especially in life’s busyness.
I have been thinking a lot about this space lately. One that I neglect so often when all of life gets in the way. And then at the same time, I acknowledge it is one of my greatest outlets. There is something so satisfying about getting my thoughts out on “paper”. With it can sometimes bring clarity or even just an exhale. My commitment to it or lack thereof as of late has been disappointing to me. Something that I have struggled to work through. So instead, I ignore it altogether.
I have such big dreams, specifically for my writing. And when it feels like it’s not working and I don’t want to force it, I see those dreams quietly fading into life’s loud and somewhat chaotic background. Plus, the more and more out of the habit I get, the harder and harder it is to get back into it. It’s like muscle memory. It takes some time to train myself back up.
My personal journalling has also taken a deep dive into practically the nonexistent. With the turning of the new year, there was some resolution to keep pursing my writing dreams, mostly being consistent with my own personal journalling. Yet, here we are. Almost halfway through March with little show for it.
It sounds like I am being hard on myself. I’m not really. These are things I would like to create space for in my life and as a hard season has now come to a close, life feeling a little more settled as it can be with three growing daughters, I feel less chaotic in my own heart with the realization I need to create some space. And while having goals is so wonderful, I have also allowed myself to be less confined to such rigidity and allow the freedom of playtime with my girls take precedence. They are only going to be little for so long and soon will come a time when they aren’t interested in making friendship bracelets for their mom or bake apple pies together. Coming from a mom who has struggled with being present, this is a massive step in a healthy direction.
I am incredibly grateful for the quiet this morning. For allowing myself the time to read God’s word, to sit at my kitchen counter with a big cup of hot coffee while typing these words, the sunshine pouring in through the windows reminding me the dreary winters do not last forever. Spring is just around the corner, these seasons that change far too quickly and can be missed if not intentionally watching for them.
Life with three daughters is by far the hardest most beautiful work I have ever been a part of. Their love is intense and loving them hard back is painful and magnificent all packaged up with three little pink bows.
I am learning to enjoy the coffee while it’s hot and savor each precious moment as it comes. What are you learning?