{reckless love}

“When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me
And oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God”

I’m sure you have heard this song by now. If you haven’t, look it up. It’s called Reckless Love by Cory Asbury. It’s definitely a newer favorite of mine.

It’s a new favorite at church too, and every single time we sing it, the line “When I felt no worth, you paid it all for me. You have been so so kind to me,” it hits me like a dagger straight into my beating heart.

How many many times I find myself thinking of myself as worthless and undeserving. More times than I would like to admit. I think when I start feeling an uncomfortable sense of self my mind goes straight to how I am not worthy of any unconditional love. Yet, that is not what God thinks.

He talks over and over again in His word about loving the least of these. That His love is unconditional for all. He is willing to leave the flock to rescue the one that is lost. Me. Yes, He is coming for me. It’s all worth it just for me.

I’ve had a mentally exhausting day. This and that really, but mostly because I have been in my own head and have given into believing the lies. Can I just be perfectly honest? It’s isolating being a mom sometimes. No matter the circumstances, there are just times that feel more isolating than others.

The waves raging out in the open waters mimicking the inner turmoil of my heart as I fight the thoughts telling me I am unworthy. If I truly think and believe that though, I am caught in a web of unbelief.

I want to be able to say confidently and with all certainty that I fully believe God’s words on how He sees me. If I don’t, what is that saying about my trust in Him?

Conviction is burning deep within my soul. I believe God’s word to be 100% true and that even means believing that His love for me is beyond measure. He is willing to abandon everything else just to save me, He cares for me that deeply. I want to believe it, honestly I do. Getting the focus back off of me and onto Him is where the struggle lies.

Another teaching I was listening to recently discussed this very issue and as I sat there, my heart began beating faster, my stomach was in knots. The way it feels when the Holy Spirit is working deep, when the lies are being uncovered and uprooted. There is room for the softening of my heart. Painful, but necessary.

How do I move past the unbelief? How do I trust God’s word for exactly what it says? How do I show this practically to my girls? I believe they are worthy, that God loves them more than I ever will because I am limited in my humanity.

I can sense barriers rising up, going into self-protection mode. Fighting it is hard when I feel so weak from the exhaustion of life. This is right where God wants me, in that space where my heart is ready to receive exhortation even though sometimes I only want the encouragement.

I cry out to God, hear my voice.Help my unbelief. Help me to take that focus off of me and my feelings onto You and into the truth of Your word. 

It doesn’t feel like an instant change in my heart, it’s a change that will continue to happen, one that I am certain I will battle time and time again, but for now, I will start with taking the focus of my prideful self and turning my eyes with all of the hurts and sorrow and deep feelings of isolation straight to the One who offers healing and comfort and safety.

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