It’s been one of those days.
I woke up late so I barely had time for any sort of run. I left the house feeling like I had already been defeated before my running shoes had a chance to prove me wrong. I still went anyway, even though I only had time to run for 15 minutes which hardly seems like anything.
I was late dropping off my oldest to school. In fact, I completely forgot to make her a lunch and didn’t even realize it until we were loading up the stroller. Thankfully school lunch would do in a pinch.
As we left the house, I started to run pushing all three in the double. Probably not recommended since it is a D O U B L E stroller. Nonetheless, the second I rolled out of the driveway, I heard the school bell ring.
There was commotion as I dropped off my oldest at her classroom. I have no idea what was going on but there were a handful of parents standing at the door and others talking to the teacher. I started to panic a little but assessed the situation deeming it as non-threatening and headed home.
I started to curl my hair and added the bare minimum makeup and threw on a beanie to hide the fact my hair wasn’t washed. Not really noticeable from the ears down. The beanie hid the important parts.
The part in between was wonderful. A quick shopping date with a friend, even though my middle was being less than stellar. She was all over the place today driving me to complete insanity.
We met back at my house for a wonderful play date, even with my out of sorts three year old.
Friends left, lunch happened. This is where I started feeling bleh again. Food in my face. Smoothie spit all over me and all over the floor I had just mopped last night. Food refusal. More smoothie refusal. Ugh.
Decided it was time to fit a quick nap in for Bernadette before physical therapy. After yesterday’s disastrous therapy session I thought it would be best for Bern to have a little bit of a rest. By the time I was ready to lay her down, there wasn’t even time to get the CPAP mask on so I set laid her down for the quick 20 minutes, hardly enough of a nap for a 19 month old who has been sleep deprived for well over a month now.
The physical therapist arrived as I was booking activities for the big girls to give them something fun to look forward to. The knock surprised me even though I knew it was coming.
I jumped up and welcomed her in to the living room as I walked into Bernadette’s room. My sleeping baby, passed out from pure exhaustion laying on her stomach in her sleep sack. Sweet girl. I hated the thought of having to wake her.
She tolerated therapy much better today than yesterday which was helpful. The days that she doesn’t tolerate therapy are hard. I get it. I would have a hard time having every week crammed full of therapies too. She’s bound to have a few she doesn’t want to do, especially without being fully rested.
Target was a necessary part of our afternoon from some essentials. But I should have known the timing was wrong. My middle had a total meltdown. Her latest is that she is out of energy. She will refuse to take one more step as she cries out that she is out of energy. I could hardly get her to walk to the cart to get in. Berni in the meantime was pulling my hair showing me she wanted my full and undivided attention just like her sister.
I did make it through Target, getting the items I did need but also a few I want to return. It’s so easy to spend extra unnecessary money when I feel like my world is in chaos around me threatening to take me down with it.
After I got home and started reconciling the budget with what I had spent, I regretted the the clearance fake potted plant I have wanted for awhile. And also the impulse buy of a mascara brand I don’t use but is cheaper than the one I normally use. There’s a reason for that and I was not in the mindset to read through the ingredients list there in the store.
I drove up into the garage and sat for a moment. The engine was off, the door closed, the girls were unbuckling and the fatigue laying just below the surface was threatening to take over. I wanted to close my eyes and forget about the messy house on the other side of the door, the dishes in the sink, the dinner that needed to be made, the garbage that needed to be taken out. It was all there waiting for me. And all I wanted to do was sleep.
I unloaded the car, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, got dinner in the over, didn’t clean the mess, took a video of Bernadette being cute. I sat her in the high chair and pulled out some dinner for her.
The cycle started again. More smoothie spit out of her mouth all onto my new hoodie. Potatoes on the floor and food refusal of everything I offered her.
Feeding can be such an up and down roller coaster with her. I even blogged about the successes we have had lately and I am trying hard to remember those this week. She’s just been off. I’ve been off. It’s frustrating.
The big girls fought bedtime, I watched live instastories while getting Bernadette’s jammies on. I laid her down with her pacifier and called David to ask him to help out with her mask when he got home tonight. Thankfully he agreed.
Days like this are tough. They feel long and today I feel a sense of defeat. But, I know tomorrow I will get out of bed and try again. I was reminded tonight in my reading that God’s grace is sufficient. It’s in my weakness He is made strong. And although I cannot even predict how many hours tonight I will be up with B, I know that God’s strength within me will carry me through.