I had a moment with my older girls a couple of weeks ago. One of those moments I would prefer to forget altogether. Unfortunately the words that were said cut deep and I haven’t gotten them out of my mind yet.
The details of the situation were quite funny actually. And although I could fill you in on the comedy that is my life a majority of the time, I will leave you with this.
There may have been an unwanted rodent that showed up one morning in our garage. It caused me to go into full on panic mode as I screamed and ran into the house. When you live by a creek, often times unwanted animals are close by. What is a mother to do?
Either way, my girls witnessed my panic and came running to the door. I stood there shaking my arms and grimacing as chills ran down my spine. I know, a bit dramatic for a mouse.
I went back out into the garage to continue what I was doing as I am certain I caused the little thing to have a heart attack right there on the spot. The girls stood behind the closed door discussing the event.
And then I heard it. My oldest stood there and the words came out of her mouth that caused my tear up. “If the mouse kills her, we will have to get a new mom.”
A new mom.
I could’ve done without hearing that one.
I know, she’s young and doesn’t realize what she’s saying exactly. She sees a problem with in her mind, an easy solution. Just get a new mom.
Of course we all know it’s not as simple pushing a button as it is in her mind but she made it sound so simple. And I felt easily replaceable.
I cried to my husband about it who did not offer the empathy I was looking for. He shrugged his shoulders, shook his head and flashed a grin. He made some sarcastic remark to which I’m certain I rolled my eyes over. And the day continued on as the rush to get out of the house in time for school tornado took over.
But I kept replaying what my oldest daughter had said the rest of the day. And dare I say out of full disclosure, I let it rule in my mind for that entire day. I started giving into the lies of how I am not a good enough mom. How I am replaceable. The work I put into the girls and the house just feels unnoticed. The hours I have spent feeding babies, changing them, rocking them etc… all for what?
I had to talk myself down that day. I had to surrender my thoughts to Jesus and repent for believing the lies. I know that she’s only 5, and I let my 5 year old get in my head and ruin my day. I gave into the moping. I gave place in my heart to let my mind think about a different mother mothering them. And I hated it.
Friends, I think sometimes as moms it can feel like we are all working tirelessly behind the scenes. Making sure our kids lunches are made, their water bottles are filled, they have clean clothes and matching shoes before leaving the house. In my case, I sit for hours and hours and hours feeding Bernadette and it all feels like so much mom-ing.
But, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. As much as there is the temptation somedays to crawl back into bed with an eye mask and earplugs, I have three little girls waiting for me. They hug me every single morning without fail. They kiss me every single time we will be apart for more than five minutes. They know my voice and I their’s. I know which clothing items are their favorites and which stuffed animals they could not live without. They know the warmth of my hugs, the sounds of my voice, the comfort our times of prayer bring to their little hearts.
I birthed them from my womb. I have prayed for them endlessly and will continue to do so. I’m the one the one that loses sleep over them, worrying that the ways in which I parent them aren’t the “right” ways. I’m the one that washes their clothes, brushes out the tangles in their hair, sings to them their favorite songs.
Even though I feel ill-equipped for this motherhood thing, I know that I am. I know that God has entrusted these girls to me while we are here living on this earth. He knows. He sees the beginning, middle, and end before I even open my eyes for the day. He walks with me hand and hand, carries me through parts, and holds my broken heart close to His through others.
You’ve got this mom friends. We are doing this, one day at a time, one tear at a time, one laugh at a time. All of it.